pale grey, a paper face
by spidersrorg
Summary: Tsukiyama Shuu sees a ghost.
1. on parade

When he saw the boy, Shuu's coffee fell from his hand.

The ghost looked to him, and leaned down to pick up the paper cup.

He had stopped in the middle of the path in the small outdoor shopping center, and luckily there were not too many people to stare. Except_ him_. They were nice brick pathways, though, with some shade overhead. It gave the walkway a relaxed atmosphere. At least, it had been relaxed to begin with. Shuu had forced himself to go outside that afternoon and now regretted it immensely.

"Haha, wow, lucky that it fell on the bottom. It didn't spill at all. Here you go."

So cheerful. How he should have been. How he deserved to have been.

Shuu stared, and he was certain he had paled. He had, after all, seen a ghost. He should walk away, he thought. He should walk away and pass it off as a dream. He meant to take the coffee from the boy, but he hesitated for a moment too long.

"Are you okay?"

Shuu quickly regained his composure. He tried to turn on his charm and hide the fact that he felt as though he was about to cry or vomit or pass out or some combination of the three brought on by whatever emotions were churning in his stomach. He swallowed the lump in his throat. _Calmato_.

When Shuu opened his mouth he was glad that his emotions didn't betray him. He was suave as ever, aside from the slight tremble of his hand as he took the coffee.

"Apologies, you simply look like someone straight from my dreams."

A terrible line, but how true it was.

The boy gave a nervous laugh and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Those glasses were the only things out of place, and Shuu was uncertain whether it made him glad or slightly disappointed that the boy's appearance was broken up. He gave a little stutter and pushed the glasses again, as if it was impossible for them to find a comfortable spot on his nose.

"Thank you?"

Shuu smiled softly. Maybe that was what he had been like before Rize. The thought made him feel a faint sadness, but the other, unidentifiable, feelings in his middle took precedence.

"No, thank you. For saving my drink."

They stood in silence for a moment.

Shuu tried to be rational and say a goodbye, but he couldn't find it in himself to let the boy just leave. Not when he looked so- he dropped the train of thought. He pulled out the receipt for his coffee and scribbled out his phone number onto it. A bad idea, he reasoned, but he couldn't stop himself.

Shuu handed the receipt to the ghost of a boy.

"A bit sudden, but.."

The boy took the receipt and looked at Shuu with confusion drawn all over his face._ His _face. How wrong.

"Should you want to get a coffee. I promise not to drop it this time." He gave the boy a wink.

With that, he began walking away. He turned back to look at the cruel doppelgänger. They made eye contact, and Shuu shot him another wink. The boy got a little flustered and walked off as well, a tad hastily.

Shuu maneuvered onto a busy street, turned a corner, and made his way to one of the tunnels. For all his usual flamboyance, right now he didn't want to be seen. The dark concrete walls and looming ceilings would be more comfortable, more appropriate to his mood than the bustling street he had intended to take back to his flat.

He set his coffee down and slunk down the wall, slightly damp and cold against his back. He noticed that he was shivering. He blamed the cold, but he knew it wasn't that. It was whatever the weight in his chest was, some obscene slurry of emotions he couldn't identify.

He felt sick, but somewhat elated. He had to remind himself that, no, it couldn't be possible. The boy hadn't even smelled that good- not that he had smelled bad, but no scent would ever compare. Maybe there was a hint of the smell he desired, in a subtle undertone- nothing immediately evident. He had smelled like any other young man.

But his face, the ghost's face. Round, with soft cheeks. Best described as "cute" rather than as "handsome", though that could be a tad insulting.

He even had the same shock-white hair, strange for someone his age. Unless it was...no. The roots were growing in slightly, Shuu remembered, it must have been a fashion statement. Shuu hadn't been up to date on trends while he was locked in his home, maybe white hair was a new one. Even though the boy's ill-fitting, baggy clothes were immediate indicators he didn't have a taste for fashion. No. He dismissed that. A trend was the only way.

The ghost's eyes were even the same soft grey. But both of them. Shuu would have felt more comfort if one of them had been red.

He sat there, shaking, for longer than he probably should have.

He brought a hand to his cheeks and found that they were damp. His stomach turned at the realization that he had been crying. _Calmato_.

He needed to stop. He had moved on from the rooftop, he told himself, he wasn't lingering on it anymore. Never mind that he had been up there for days. Never mind that he still, even now, would lose time, realizing that he had been staring at the wall for hours. Never mind that it wasn't even an occasional occurrence.

No, he wasn't over it. His growling stomach and pallid cheeks were sign of that. His gourmet taste had all but left him, he had no desire to eat. All he had now was a show. A show for one- himself. His only remaining friend saw through it- they were a perceptive one, but they didn't even need to be perceptive to pick up on it. Shuu was a wreck, it was obvious. But he wouldn't let himself accept it.

He was over it, he told himself once again. He had moved on and the ghost had ruined it.

His hand crushed the empty paper cup and he stood from his spot on the ground.

It couldn't be him.

Shuu had settled on an emotion.

He was disgusted.

Kaneki Ken was dead, and that _imposter_ was masquerading around wearing his face.


	2. flash of mauve

Shuu stood in the kitchen of his flat, sleeves rolled up and an apron on over his casual clothes, sharpening his knives. He turned to the counter, knife in hand, and sighed dramatically.

"Chie, would you please get off of the counter? I need to get there."

Chie swung her feet and fiddled with her camera before making a flash go off in Shuu's face. She laid down and sprawled out on the counter. Her response came quickly: a nasally, noncommittal, "Nahhhhhhh."

"Don't take pictures of my face. Move, I'm trying to cook."

Chie didn't give him the time of day and just looked at her camera.

"I should carve you up instead, if you're refusing to move," Shuu rolled his eyes and sighed, resigning to use the other, much smaller, counter in his kitchen. He moved the brown paper bag that could only be described as "sketchy" to his new workspace.

Chie rolled over on the counter that she had claimed for herself and watched him at work. "What are you even cooking?"

"_Hors d'oeuvres_."

"Ahh, an appetizer? You're after someone. How neat."

Shuu was taken aback again by another flash in his face.

Chie rolled onto her back and checked her camera, "Can I have some?"

"Chie."

She snorted, "I was kidding, that's gross. Buy me a parfait instead."

"Later. I would like to hear about how it would taste to a human, though," Shuu turned his back to her and pulled a sopping organ from the paper bag. "I wonder if it's any different of a flavor." He turned it over in his hands, blood smearing onto his fingers. A lovely appetizer the heart would make. It would surely make his desire for his prey stronger, and its taste sweeter once he had caught it. His phone even sat on his-rather, Chie's- counter, waiting for a buzz. He expected the boy to call sometime or another, the way he had looked at Shuu told him as much.

"What happened out there, I wonder, I wonder," Chie sat up on her counter and snapped a picture of the food Shuu was preparing. "You're starting to act the same."

Shuu's hand stopped mid-slice. He turned around and looked to Chie. She had picked up on it. He wasn't acting any differently, of course not. He was the same as he'd always been. He looked at her and furrowed his brows before returning to the heart on the counter. He tried to think of something to say. He couldn't.

"When were you leaving again, Chie?" he let out instead, snippy.

"Huh? I live here," came her reply, as she rolled over on the counter and picked up his phone to mess with.

Shuu looked up at her and cocked an eyebrow, slightly annoyed.

"Since when do you- You can't just _decide_ that, Chie-" he sighed, exasperated. He rubbed his temples. This was a battle he would lose, even though this was his flat. "You know where the guest room is."

Shuu supposed he could use the company. Even though he had kicked out Kanae as soon as was possible.

"You mean _my_ room?" Chie snickered, devilish. "It's not responsible to leave my pet ghoul on his own anyway.

He went to make the joke back, that she was his pet human. He was cut off by the ringing of his phone, a classical music piece. Perfect. His trap had caught. Chie had his phone in hand, and she looked at it strangely before giving the screen a closer inspection.

"Kanae-kun wouldn't be calling right now, who could it beeeee. It's not like you have other friends."

That stung.

Shuu sputtered but decided not to address the insult, true though it was. "Give me-"

Chie held it to her ear and answered.

"Hellooooo?"

Shuu set down the knife, wiped his hands off, and stomped the few feet over to her. He motioned for her to "give it here", but Chie stood on the counter and held it over his head. The counter didn't even give her that much of a height advantage, her tiny stature up against Shuu's.

"A-ah, sorry,? Some guy who looked like a model just suddenly gave me his number- I got a bit excited about that, haha...it must have been a joke."

Shuu grabbed Chie's legs and dragged her off of the counter. Chie flopped over and slung herself over Shuu's shoulder. Shuu grappled for his phone but Chie kicked her legs and Shuu lost his balance. They both swore and shouted loudly at the altercation, Shuu's expletives in European languages and Chie's in some sort of gibberish. The two hit the floor with a loud thud and Chie's head connected with Shuu's stomach. That knocked the wind out of him and he let out a loud gasp to retrieve the air he'd lost. Chie, largely unaffected by the fall, climbed out of the two's pile of bodies and sat on top of Shuu's chest, shoving her feet into his face.

The squabble must have been heard over the phone.

"Hello? Is everything okay?"

Chie brought the phone back to her ear. "Model guy. Gotcha. He's right here."

She handed the phone to Shuu. Finally.

_"Mon cheri_ _e_," he squeaked, trying to catch his breath thanks to the Chie who looked very proud of herself, "please pardon the wait."

The voice on the other end of the phone cheered up, completely dropping its concern over what had been heard before. "Oh, hi! Sorry, was it too soon to call? Were you busy?"

"_Non_, not at all," Shuu shot Chie a glare and pushed her off from atop his chest before pulling himself into a sitting position. "Every moment I waited was one too many."

Chie snorted and rolled her eyes.

A stutter from the other end. Shuu reasoned his lines were a tad too cheesy, but they had worked so far.

"Ah, well," the voice died down to humming. Unsure of what to say, awkward. How sweet. Just like how he imagined the boy was going to taste. Shuu smirked.

"You would like to go for coffee?" Shuu offered. He stood up from the floor and walked to his counter to lean against it casually.

Chie followed him and tried to press her ear up to the receiver to hear what was coming from the other end. She was so much shorter than Shuu that she tried to jump to hear, but it didn't work. Shuu glared down at her, bopped her on the head, and mouthed a "_non_".

"You're no fun," Chie groaned aloud.

Shuu held a finger to his lips and ignored her.

"Yeah, definitely! Would tomorrow be good, or? No, that's too soon, huh..."

"_Non, non_, tomorrow is fine," Shuu smiled to himself and turned away from Chie's odd looks. "I couldn't bear to wait any longer." He felt his stomach grumble. He certainly couldn't.

A question came from the other end, "Should we go to that place where we met, then?" Ah, finally. He was speaking up.

But the coffee shop had been in a busy area. Shuu decided he would need somewhere more secluded if he were going to eat him. He intended not to just take a few parts from him, as he usually did.

Used to do, a nagging voice at the back of his mind told him, he hadn't since meeting Kaneki. He didn't even hunt anymore, really, he got his food from his family's...ventures. Originally, his habits had changed as a way of gaining Kaneki's trust. It was quite the effort he put in for one meal, one that he never even had the chance to eat. Then his habits never changed. A meal, he told himself, that's all Kaneki Ken had been.

And now he intended to savor every last part of the little imposter's flesh. He couldn't go killing the boy in broad daylight, now could he? He'd choose somewhere more secluded.

"I know of a better place," he replied, "I'll send you the address."

He didn't have any particular shop in mind, but he'd look at a map to find one in a...desirable location. Secluded and close to a tunnel entrance would be ideal.

"The evening would be best, is that fine?"

It would be dark by the time they had finished, then. Perfect.

"Isn't that a bit late for coffee- No, that's fine. Any time is good for coffee," a small laugh from the other end.

Shuu turned back to the heart on the counter and traced a finger down it.

He licked the blood off the digit and smirked.

"_Ciao_."

He hung up.

_Perfetto_.

Chie's hand immediately shot out and yanked his phone from his hand. She looked at the unfamiliar number. "Who was that? The guy you're gonna eat, or the guy you're gonna-"

"Chie."

She rolled her eyes. "You don't even know what I was gonna say."

"I have an idea," he tutted, "Little mice shouldn't be concerned with such a thing."

"I'm literally older than you," Chie blew a raspberry and put his phone in her pocket. She snapped a picture of the layout on the counter, and sauntered over to the table where she sat down like a normal person instead of being a counter thief.

Shuu picked up his work and moved it to his preferred counter to continue the preparation of his meal.

Chie was watching him. He could feel the little leer she was shooting him. He looked to her and she waggled her eyebrows a little.

Shuu raised his eyebrows in response and let out a small hum of acknowledgement.

"You're acting like normal. Hunting? You haven't done that in, like, forever. I guess, as a human, I shouldn't be encouraging- but you're my pet ghoul, so."

"I always act like normal," he said, ignoring the pet comment. A running joke, it was funny sometimes he supposed. He turned his back to her and back to the food- it was almost ready to cook and he wouldn't be able to use it as an excuse to ignore Chie anymore. He'd have to find something else, or just kick her out.

"Pffft, no you don't. You haven't since-"

"Don't continue that sentence," he struggled out, the level starting stern but dropping to a whisper.

Chie opened her mouth.

"Since you stopped hanging around that guy."

Shuu stabbed his knife into the counter, the loud sound echoing in the small kitchen.

She stopped.

A heavy silence settled in his flat.

He hadn't changed at all, he told himself. But he knew, he knew that he had. How couldn't he have, when Kaneki was...when Kaneki was…

He remembered, vaguely, about a month after- everything from then felt surreal, looking back was hard not just emotionally but also because grasping that it had actually happened was a great feat- going through his daily motions in a haze, buying the newspaper from that morning, and finding a tiny corner, the tiniest corner. Search given up, missing student Kaneki Ken pronounced dead.

He remembered his surroundings blurring around him. Feeling as though the newspaper would dissipate in his hands, that his next step would bring his foot through the ground and he would sink into a grave to join Kaneki Ken.

Kaneki hadn't even been missing for a year yet, not long enough to pronounce him dead by far- but it was some sort of gross consolation fed into the paper by the CCG. A confirmation that he truly had died at Anteiku.

In the tiny little corner of the page. A black-and-white photo of Kaneki, in one of his atrocious sweatervests he had been fond of. Black haired. Smiling. It felt so strange, nostalgic almost even though he hadn't known Kaneki when he had been so sweet. Shuu himself had contributed to his misfortunes. It left him with a bittersweet sickness sloshing in his middle and a great weighing on his chest. And that corner was all they had given him, not even in the obituaries.

Kaneki Ken, student from Kamii University, pronounced dead. Remembered by his loving aunt and cousin.

He knew it was an invasion of Kaneki's privacy, and Shuu knew he should respect the dead.

But he clipped the photo, kept it for himself, and decided to visit his family- to give consolation.

He brought flowers and kind words, and his aunt opened the door seemingly disgusted until she took a look at his clothes. Then she invited him in happily.

"It's been so hard without Kaneki," she whined, she wept, "he was such a great help to us, so bright, such a future for him." She sang him praises and shed crocodile tears and Shuu felt sickened by her. Shuu was a faker himself, of course he could tell she wasn't genuine. Her son sat with them as well, disinterested- neither of them truly cared about Kaneki.

They weren't deserving, and Shuu had to stomach his boiling rage. But he smiled and offered her what she was getting at with all her feigned emotions- some help with money. Kaneki had been a dear friend, after all, and his family was just as much a friend to him, of course.

Disgusting, that she would use Kaneki's death as a means to profit. And to someone she had just met? What a vile, pathetic woman.

She gave Shuu the location of Kaneki's grave- nothing was there, of course. The CCG took any ghoul corpses for their own purposes. Whatever was left of Kaneki's remains were probably locked inside a suitcase. The thought made him feel sick.

Apparently the CCG had paid for the spot for them, a sick gesture of goodwill. His aunt was seemingly perplexed as to why the CCG would do such a thing- good for her. She shouldn't have known, anyway. She didn't deserve to know. Shuu's stomach rolled when he realized she probably wouldn't have spared the money for a plot to Kaneki's remembrance.

He left, smiling, but truly sickened. Sent them money. He assumed Kaneki would have wanted that much.

He visited the grave only once.

After that his family sent Kanae to "look after him". As if he couldn't do that himself. ...Which, at that point, he really couldn't. He'd been as inconsolable as he had been on the rooftop.

…

Shuu's reminiscence made his blood churn. He and Chie sat, unspeaking. Shuu found his hands shaking. He attempted to swallow the lump in his throat but the tenseness in his muscles wouldn't leave him.

He busied himself with putting his meal in the oven to cook.

It wasn't going to taste as good now.

He closed the door and stood there a while, staring into the oven window. He didn't discuss Kaneki.

Kaneki's name even was sacred to him now- he rarely thought it, Kaneki only existing now as an abstract concept in his mind that consumed his every thought and weighed on his chest and- The boy wearing Kaneki's face had the gall to besmirch all of that with his very existence. He made a mockery of Kaneki Ken.

He wanted to crumple and curl up on the tile, but Chie was watching. She couldn't know.

...But he knew that she already did.

So he sank to the ground and sat there.

Anger at the imposter boy stewed in with the sadness Chie had stirred.

He vaguely registered the sound of a wooden chair scraping against the tile as Chie got up from her spot. She walked over and sat beside him.

"Watching this cook is going to be really boring, huh."

Shuu slumped and leaned his head atop hers, dwarfing her entirely.

Chie reached up and gave his head a pat that was supposed to be reassuring. It was, really. They were close in a way that ghouls and humans really shouldn't be. Familial, almost.

They sat that way a while.

He sighed.

It was going to be a long day. His thoughts were full of Kaneki now, and they weren't going to leave him.


	3. ghoul and goose

Five sugar cubes and a spritz of sickeningly sweet- banana? - syrup went into his cup. Shuu watched with no small amount of disgust as his date stirred the coffee into a swill. He brought his own coffee, black- the only way a ghoul could take it, to his lips and had a sip.  
>The boy took a sip of his own sad excuse of a coffee and pleased expression took over his face. Shuu half expected him to spit it out onto the table, but that was wishful thinking. The one sitting in front of him smelled undoubtedly human.<p>

"This coffee is really good," the human said, smiling softly. Shuu wondered how he could taste it through all of the sugar he had added. But, then again, Shuu didn't know how the flavors would be to a human. For all he knew, the vile swill sitting on the table could have been more decadent than anything he had ever tasted. Envy began to prod at the corners of his thoughts. This boy was a reminder of everything he couldn't have.

"You're taking yours black? Wow..."

The boy had a starstruck look in his eyes- it had been there ever since they had met up. It was as if he thought Shuu was some sort of celebrity. It was a little uncomfortable to Shuu, but not an uncommon experience. Usually he relished the attention, but coming from someone who looked just like Kaneki was strange. Kaneki had always looked at him with some amount of suspicion after their first meeting. Touka, he assumed, had warned Kaneki of him. He took it as a blow to his pride, but the warning hadn't been completely unwarranted.

He regretted how rash he was. If he had waited, Kaneki may have let him even-

He forced himself to drop the train of thought. No use pondering what could have been.  
>But those sweet starstruck eyes. Shuu smiled softly and gazed into them. How soon could he pluck them from their sockets, he wondered? Would they taste better prepared, or would they be best fresh? He found himself pondering the texture, the soft crunch of the corneas- a delicious treat, perhaps he should save them for a dessert. Had Kaneki's eyes always had such lovely gradation?<p>

He felt a flutter in his chest.

But then he caught himself.

This wasn't Kaneki.

This was a fake.

_Disgustoso._

"Yes," he returned to the conversation at hand. His date looked a tad flustered, a pink in his cheeks. Probably from how he had been looking at him. This prey was far too easy a catch to be compared to Kaneki Ken. Shuu continued, "I prefer to enjoy the subtler flavors of the blend. If I already know how sugars and syrups taste, where's the surprise?"  
>The surprise was they tasted like garbage.<p>

"Ah, that's so...refined..." his date trailed off, looking a bit embarrassed as he took a sip of his own coffee.  
>Shuu recalled that he had insulted the way Kaneki took his coffee on their first, rather, only date as well. Before the handkerchief incident. He still had that in a ziplock bag in a drawer- along with other bags with hand towels Kaneki had wiped his sweat from sparring with. Those didn't have as strong a scent as his blood had, but they were fresher. He wouldn't be receiving any more, so he cherished what he had. He didn't smell them often anymore. Every time he did he'd feel a sinking, nauseous in his stomach that ebbed away his hunger. It had become an unpleasant experience, the memory of Kaneki's scent.<p>

He tried to dismiss the thought.  
>He remembered that he had also insulted Kaneki's taste in fashion then, too. Granted, the way Kaneki had dressed for their date was almost an insult- it had looked like he had just shoved his hand in a bargain bin and wore whatever insipid garment he pulled out. Shuu was just glad that Kaneki had allowed him to start dressing him later on. At least, on occasion. Kaneki had always been quick to shoot down most of his choices, most days. Most of the time. Maybe it had only happened three or four times. But he did wear that battle suit, and that counted twenty times over.<p>

His current date wasn't dressed as disastrously as he had been on their first encounter, but…a black dress shirt with black dress pants. If it weren't for the cardigan and scarf he wore to escape the winter air, it would have looked like he had just returned from a job waiting tables. It wasn't that bad, he supposed, but...

The little imposter would be dead by that evening, but Shuu wasn't going to recreate past mistakes.  
>"There's no wrong way to enjoy a coffee," he rectified.<p>

"Mm, yeah, I shouldn't have so much sugar, though," the boy let out a short, dry laugh, "but I sucrose I can't help myself."

"Suppose?" Shuu corrected for him. It was a rude gesture, but he had to make sure it wasn't... Shuu fought a sneer from his face. There was no way. That couldn't have been-  
>"A pun," he smiled, cheery.<p>

_Terribile._

How completely unrefined.

"Ah," Shuu forced a smile. _Orrendo._

He received a smile in return, one the accentuated the apples of his cheeks- full and soft. Shuu wanted to sink his teeth into them. The impulse was probably in result to his annoyance at the joke, but it was an inevitable coming for him. They'd be sweet, juicy with how tinged with pink they were. Those, he reckoned, he would simply sink his teeth into- pull them from his skull once they were flushed with red and juicy. Oh, but they would taste good grilled as well, as a steak...Shuu would have to make the decision. He looked so pleased with himself for the terrible joke. It was cute, but...

"Haha, sorry, they're pretty bad," his date said, hiding behind his coffee. "The only large print book they had in the hospital library was a book of puns, I kind of grew attached to them. I can read normal books now, though, so..."

The boy opened his mouth a few times and ran a hand through his white locks, seemingly confused. "Ah, sorry, that was...a real downer. Not really...date talk..."  
>He adjusted his glasses, uncomfortable.<p>

"This is a date, though, right? That's what I had thought..."

Shuu cocked his eyebrow at the strange turn of conversation, but his date didn't seem to want to continue the topic with his sudden derailment. Shuu didn't really care about what he had to say, though, only if whatever had ailed him were to affect his flavor. He didn't smell sickness on him, his scent told Shuu that he was safe to eat.

Shuu reached across the table and sweeped salt-and-pepper bangs to the side before cupping his cheek. "What else could this be?"  
>He sank into the touch. How incredibly easy. His own hand climbed to his face and rested over Shuu's, holding it to his warming face.<br>A soft smile replaced his uneasy expression. Shuu preferred that he wear that on Kaneki's face.

"You're good with your words," came the voice from Kaneki's lips, a sharper tone than Shuu had expected- accusing, almost. Not a tone to accompany that smile. "They're very practiced," he continued, lacing his fingers into Shuu's, "Is it to trick people? Or could you really just be a romantic?"

Grey eyes narrowed and the smile on his face seemed to change, a different meaning hiding behind it.

Shuu was taken aback. The human he had thought to be a fool had somehow seen through him. Much more perceptive than Shuu would have ever expected. He put on a smile as a reflex. He opened his mouth to respond but his date shook his head slightly, a warning not to speak. Shuu's mouth snapped back shut.

An oppressive silence fell over them. Grey eyes looked over his face, examining his expression, and Shuu had a nagging feeling that at any moment the fingers he had resting on the other's face would be snapped off. And he was...strangely comfortable with that.

Until this moment, the doppelganger reminded Shuu of the sweeter, gentler black-haired Kaneki until this moment. It felt odd to couple the white hair with the mannerisms of the younger Kaneki. Now he felt as if he was with Kaneki again, _his_ Kaneki- no, Kaneki was _always_ his- but, the Kaneki to whom he was right hand. The scene was one that was similar to some that he had with Kaneki- Kaneki being sharp about Shuu's deceptive nature, even when Shuu was trying to be genuine. Always shooting him down. Scenes that had always left Shuu upset, but cherished memories nonetheless.

The grip over his fingers tightened. The boy drew Shuu's hand from his face and pushed it towards Shuu's chest, as if returning the limb to him.

"Ah, that was very pessimistic, wasn't it? I do like the way you talk," he rectified, "It's charming."

He took a long sip of his sugared drink.

"Though I do wonder what you're getting at. It seems like you're trying to accomplish something," he trailed off as he adjusted his glasses, "I don't know."

"Trying to get a second date, perhaps?" Shuu said, trying to add a lilt of humor to his tone. He was glad that he was even able to come up with a response, he wasn't anticipating to be met with the uncomfortable air earlier. If things went his way, though, there wasn't going to be a second date. Well, there would be- his date would be accompanying him on his plate. A romantic candlelit dinner for one. He smiled at the thought. "You mustn't be so skeptical; it can't be healthy."

The boy was going to be more interesting, more engaging than Shuu had thought.

"I'd like that," his date said, letting out a soft laugh and scratching at the short black hairs on the back of his head, "We haven't really gotten a chance to enjoy this one, yet, though."

They certainly hadn't been there very long yet. But to Shuu's stomach it felt far too long. He couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the Kaneki lookalike. But waiting for the opportune moment was important, and he wasn't going to find it in the quaint little coffee shop or in the brisk open air of its patio. The sun still had yet to set.

"Uhm, actually," the human started once again, "I don't think we even introduced ourselves yet." He covered his mouth and let out a nervous laugh.

Shuu echoed his laugh, but his was empty. He didn't realize it until now, but he had been actively avoiding the introductions. In his head he had been thinking of him as "the fake" or, when he found himself caught in smoke and mirrors, Kaneki. Putting a name to the face now framed with glasses and salt-and-pepper bangs would ruin his chances of being caught up in that illusion, it would make him a new person. Shuu didn't want that.

"We haven't, have we."

He held his hand out to the boy for a handshake, even though it was a little late into the date for introductions. Comical.

"Tsukiyama Shuu."

His date took the hand, a surprisingly strong grip for the seemingly meek young man, and made his reply.

"Sasaki Haise."

He could feel the smoke around him clearing. He hated it.

Shuu laced their fingers together.

"Then, Haise-kun, it's nice to meet you. Though…we've already met."

"Ah- isn't that a bit familiar, I mean," the newly deemed Sasaki Haise looked away sheepishly, "_Shuu_ldn't we get to know each other a little better?"

Oh. Not another one. Shuu could feel his stomach roll with just how awful that was. And with his name-

He forced a laugh. And he made sure it sounded forced. He hoped that- Sasaki- would pick up on it, lest Shuu be subjected to more of the terrible jokes.

He searched his thoughts for a topic to avoid addressing the pun, as if pretending it never happened would make it go away.

Oh, of course, he had mentioned books. But if he were to begin speaking about them, he would really seem like a ghost. As if Kaneki were sitting across from him. How much Shuu wished he were.

"You mentioned you like to read, Sasaki-kun?"

Sasaki brightened up, even though he was already smiling about his tasteless pun.

"Ah, Haise was fine, but, yeah, I do, a lot. Well, I mean, I like reading a lot, but I can't read a lot," he stammered, before stopping for a moment.

Shuu remained quiet, trying to encourage him to gather his thoughts.

"I didn't get to read very much for the last few months, I mean," Sasaki finally made out, his gaze trailing off to the side, "because of my eyes. But I read a lot now."

"Hm, but you read a lot before then?" Shuu asked.

Sasaki scratched his chin. "Yeah."

There was a short moment of silence before Sasaki picked back up again. "Do you ever read something, and it feels like a distant memory? One that you can't really grasp. A really strong sort of nostalgia, as if it's…"

"An old friend?" Shuu cut off, "I suppose a lot of books feel that way. _Réconfortant._.."

Sasaki nodded. "I feel that way a little when I look at you, too," he muttered, trailing off, almost as if it were something he was unsure that he was saying.

There was another silence.

"Do you happen to read Takatsuki Sen's works?" Shuu asked, to continue the conversation. He expected the boy to open his mouth, to go on and on about symbolism in The Black Goat's Egg and his favorite section of Monochrome Rainbow, to let him indulge in the fantasy that he was sitting across from Kaneki and he was taken aback when he heard what not-Kaneki had to say-

"Who?"

Shuu shifted uncomfortably and had a drink of his coffee.

"Takatsuki Sen is one of my favorite authors, somewhat popular right now. I suppose the works are...it's reasonable that you haven't heard of them."

"Sorry, I haven't read very much," Sasaki tried to rectify.

Shuu furrowed his brows in confusion. "Hm, but you said you read quite a bit-"

"Ah, since you recommend Takatsuki Sen, I should read those works, right?" Sasaki cut him off, "What are you reading right now?"

Shuu was incredibly confused, it was a strange thing to lie about. But the conversation went on after that, uninterrupted by uncomfortable pauses.

They talked about the books they were reading at the moment and what others they had read recently. It was pleasant.

But listening to him speak was hypnotizing. Once he got going, Sasaki was easy to listen to. He spoke with the same cadence as Kaneki, the same tone and meter that he had before Shuu had really known him. Before he had disappeared to Aogiri.

After Aogiri the way he spoke changed- it was actually softer, gentler than before. But oh so very threatening. It was strange, really- when Kaneki would speak to him, a normal conversation would feel like he had the intent to rip Shuu limb from limb but when his words were truly threats (ones he still wasn't sure were empty, _do anything unnecessary and I'll kill you_) to Shuu they sounded as though they could be sweet nothings whispered from a lover.

Sasaki's voice sounded a lot like Kaneki's as well, but a little raspier. Hoarser. As if Kaneki had...damaged his throat. Screamed it out, like after some of his night terrors. The thought was saddening.

As they talked the mist that fooled him grew thicker.

Perhaps killing and eating him would be a bit too hasty. If there were a way he could savor the feeling longer, how he felt at that moment, sitting with his Kaneki-

He could always take him as a pet. Not in the way Chie was his pet, but in the way other high society ghouls took on human pets. It was a practice Shuu had never seen the appeal to; when he played with his food it was for intellectual reasons, mental stimulation. Madame A had kept many- but, then again, she wasn't someone Shuu had much respect for; she had been relatively high on Kaneki's hit list.

Yes, perhaps he could take Sasaki as his pet.

"Excuse me," came the soft voice of a waitress, "but we're closing for the evening soon." She didn't wait for a reply to go back to her work.

"Oh, we lost track of time," Sasaki sighed, "it's late."

He closed the book he had been showing Shuu, explaining a passage, what deeper meaning it held, why Shuu should definitely read it- and tucked it into his jacket pocket. "And if I'm losing track of time, how will I get on the tracks of my train?" he wondered aloud, before catching his laughter in his hand. He had gone so long without making a pun. That wasn't even a pun, just a bad joke that was not in any conceivable way funny. _Pourquoi?_

"Hm, if it's not a problem I'll walk you back to the station," Shuu offered, cringing inside.

Sasaki nodded, trying not to seem too enthusiastic. "Yeah, thanks."

Shuu left the money for their drinks on the table as he stood and shrugged on his coat. He helped Sasaki wrap his scarf, at which Sasaki got a tad flustered, before wrapping his own. He held the door for Sasaki, and his plan was underway.

Sasaki took the steps down the patio to the street and waited for Shuu to follow. He was smiling. Sweet.

They had only intended to stay at the shop for a short while, really. Shuu had only meant to stay until it had gotten dark enough to avoid any wandering eyes. Losing track of time until the shop closed wasn't part of his plan, but it had been pleasant, and didn't impede him at all.

"Hm, isn't it cold, Sasaki-kun?" Shuu wondered aloud as they started walking. The temperature had certainly dropped since they had gone into the shop.

"I guess it is, but this coat's pretty warm, so-" Sasaki's reply turned into a soft "oh" as Shuu's arm wrapped around his waist. He laughed a little and leaned into Shuu's side.

"Is that better, _mon chou_?"

"Mm, yeah," he sighed, so contended.

They walked a ways, making small talk and Shuu making passes every now and then to which Sasaki always responded to with a small sort of surprise that was sweet but somewhat pitiful.

Their footfalls were quiet but, aside from their voices, the only sound on the street, and the comforting rhythm they had fallen into was broken when Shuu pulled a sharp turn into a corner.

Shuu kept talking as he took his steps in the new direction.

Sasaki, however, stopped in his tracks.

"Uhm, that's a dead end," he said, interrupting Shuu. He was still standing at the mouth of the alley, not taking the step in.

"Oh, is it?" Shuu replied, putting on a tone of confusion as to seem innocent.

He hadn't expected him to pick up on it, really. But he had been sharp on quite a few things- no, that wasn't giving him enough credit. He'd seen through most of Shuu's tricks, but he was dismissing them. Too optimistic, too gullible for his own good. Like Kaneki.

Sasaki shifted on his feet and looked Shuu over. "...You knew."

Shuu's smile curled. Ah, he was suspicious. It was dark enough now, no one was around, he could just pull him down into the tunnels- knocking him out would be easy, but he'd rather not deal with any struggle.

"Yeah, you knew…" Sasaki furrowed his brows. "Why were you trying to take me-_ oh._"

He scratched his arm and shifted again, his mouth still moving without sound. Even in the dark it was visible that his face was bright red.

"I mean, if you were getting at...ah..." he stuttered out, "I, uh, I don't…"

Shuu stood where he was and raised his brows in question.

Sasaki looked away and put on a face of deep contemplation and stayed that way for a moment. He made an odd noise, a soft hum, "If that's how it is…"

Shuu registered the sound of footsteps before his back was against a wall and Sasaki was pressing their lips together.

He hadn't expected the move; his date had been so passive. But if that was the conclusion Sasaki had come to, his reasoning for Shuu walking into the alley, Shuu wasn't going to deny it. He'd have his cake, and eat it, too. The thought made him let out a chuckle, which irritated Sasaki judging by how his teeth sank into Shuu's bottom lip in response. Also unexpected.

He couldn't help the obscene groan that escaped him.

This close, he could smell all the subtleties of Sasaki's scent. In there, hidden behind the scent of meat waiting to be eaten was the sweet but incredibly rich feminine scent of a more dominant female ghoul- the scent that Kaneki had exuded overwhelmingly. It was there, if he wasn't imagining it- not strong, but strong enough- and once Shuu had put his finger on it, it was impossible to ignore.

"_Spietato_," Shuu breathed out.

"Hmm," Sasaki practically cooed, "I have no clue what you said. But, Shuu-san, you were the one who led me here..."

And he kissed him again and Shuu tugged at his scarf and when their mouths pulled apart he feathered kisses across Sasaki's face and down his neck-

A soft laugh came from above him and he tilted his head slightly to hear. When it met his ears he felt as though he could melt or crumble into stardust because it was Kaneki's laugh.

He took a sharp breath and the subtle smell of Kaneki was all he could wrap his head around.

Then it was Kaneki he was kissing and it was Kaneki's gasps that he was drawing from Kaneki's lips-

And he was lost.

The air was cold and the wall he was pressed against was hard but the hands on him were warm and soft and they were Kaneki's and their lips were together and that was all he needed.

The way their bodies moved was anything but harmonious but the raspy breaths and hushed sounds coming from the two of them may as well have been the most beautiful symphony he had ever heard.

He buried his face into him and took in the scent so similar to his that it was his and muttered his name softly into the crook of _his_ neck between sharp breaths, each and every last breath becoming closer to being nothing but_ Kaneki_...

He heard his name whimpered and he let out a sob and his body stuttered and he was glad he was pinned to the wall because his knees damn near gave out. The motion of their bodies slowed to a stop and they were left with the sounds of their own breathing. He vaguely registered tears cooling on his cheeks.

They stood in each others arms and he dotted his face with kisses and whispered sweet nothings into his skin until he could hear shallow breaths evening out. Shuu couldn't find his breath, still quietly gasping, as if he were drowning and the only thing he could breathe was _that scent_. There was nothing romantic to be found about frantic rutting in a back alley, but the tightness in his throat and the pounding in his chest and the warmth they brought to him was absolutely unbearable.

He certainly couldn't just kill him now.

The pet option was much more appealing.

The fingers digging into his shoulders loosened, but Shuu pulled his body closer. He pressed kisses along Sasaki's jawline to his ear and he whispered a proposition, "Shall we go back to my flat?"

The grip on his shoulders returned, tense. "A-Ah," Sasaki gasped, "please don't breathe into my ear like that- it makes it feel like there's something crawling in there-"

Shuu was taken aback by the response, it sounded like something Kaneki would say, and was about to respond but was cut off with a kiss. Long, drawn out.

"I'm, uh, not usually an impulsive person like this," Sasaki said as he pulled away, with a nervous laugh as punctuation, "it's really tempting, but I have work in the morning…"

"Where do you work? Certainly it can't be so out of your way…"

"Oh, haha, it kind of really is...it's in the first ward, CCG headquarters."

Oh.

_Oh_.

Now he certainly couldn't keep him as a pet.

He couldn't even kill him.

Not without raising suspicions. The CCG was so _touchy_ about their employees.

This date had even been risky- he was lucky that he hadn't gone through with his plans- that Sasaki hadn't caught onto anything- with how perceptive the boy seemed to be-

The fear that washed through him was paralysing but he somehow managed to lean forward enough to kiss the CCG hound to hide the expression of sheer terror on his face. It lasted long enough as it took for him to compose himself and when he pulled away the little bird was red-faced and breathless.

"That certainly _is_ far. Let's get you to your train, then, shall we, Sasaki-kun?"

"Yeah," Sasaki made out, "I don't want to get home too late." A nervous laugh came from him once again.

They made their way out of the alley.

Sasaki edged up against Shuu as they walked, and Shuu hesitantly wrapped his arm around him. He couldn't raise suspicion now, all that he had raised earlier was enough so that he was already walking on glass. Their walk to the station was, for the most part, wordless.

Shuu felt sick.

He didn't know what Sasaki did for the CCG, but, even if he was a desk secretary being this close was dangerous. He could kill Sasaki easily, if it came to it, but then he'd have the CCG after him with a force that had been strengthened twofold since the raid on Anteiku. Avoiding them before was easy, when he paraded around as the Gourmet, but- hunting was more dangerous than it had been in a long time, and having a little dove flitting about wasn't safe even if he only procured his food from his family. Which was what he had been doing, but it was the principle of the thing.

He was glad the little bird hadn't proposed to go to his own little nest, because Shuu knew he wouldn't be able to refuse but accepting would have been so, so dangerous. Another date would be downright suicidal.

"You're shaking, are you cold?" he heard, and felt him snuggle closer into his side.

And it felt warm in his chest and he realized he didn't care.

Shuu pressed a kiss to his hair and whispered a soft "_grazie_".

He couldn't care when Kaneki was taken from him but he was given this instead, almost a cruel joke, but he would take it even if it made him feel empty when he came out of his delusions that the slab of meat walking with him was Kaneki Ken.

He stood in silence, alone, once the replacement that he knew would never truly be able to replace Kaneki had boarded the train. He stood in silence and accepted that Kaneki Ken hadn't been just a meal.

A/N: I just wanted to thank everyone for reviews and favorites and all of that ahhh. I don't really understand how FF net works so I can't respond to them individually but i do read them all and appreciate them very much!


	4. take your fill

Kaneki Ken had his hands wrapped around his heart and every time it pulsed to push blood through his body it pushed into his fingers and blackened nails would dig deeper into his ventricles and the pain of what he had lost grew ever sharper.

Sometimes, Sasaki Haise would be Kaneki and Shuu would want to hold him and take small, sweet bites of his skin. Other times Shuu would feel a pit in his stomach because _how dare he try to replace Kaneki_ and while they were kissing he would want to bite into his lips and tear the flesh mask he was wearing from his skull. His stomach would growl even though the imposter would never compare to how tantalizing Kaneki was, but the fire of his hunger was stoked by his rage.

Shuu had thought the resemblance would fade, that he'd grow bored of "Sasaki Haise". That he would become detached from Kaneki in his mind and he would be able to continue on his merry way. But, no, things couldn't be that easy. Every date, every time he brought the little lion back to his den he noticed more and more pieces of Kaneki showing up.

At this point, he was uncertain if he was starting to attribute Sasaki's traits to his memories of Kaneki.

Tainting them.

Sasaki liked old French movies and reading in the chair Shuu had sitting near the window, to look at the view. Shuu thought if Kaneki had ever become as close to him, he would have as well. Occasionally he would catch himself staring at Sasaki when he sat there, a flutter in his chest and stomach, and he wouldn't bother to remind himself that it wasn't Kaneki after all.

Sasaki sat up on the couch where they were laying, watching a movie. He pointed to the coffee table. "Ah, could you hand me my glasses? I can't read the subtitles."

The movie was a classic, and while Shuu owned the French copy he put on a copy with subtitles for the sake of Sasaki. His Sasake, as he would say- and as Shuu would never admit to thinking.

At some point Sasaki had started spending more evenings at Shuu's flat than not. The sight of his little white dove coat hung up by his door became one that was familiar, warming. That wasn't something any ghoul should be comfortable with, and wondered if he was perhaps letting his guard down. He worried about Sasaki noticing any little hints in his home that he was a ghoul.

Chie had given his flat a very human touch, what with food stuffed everywhere and...whatever else humans did. He was glad for that, as it probably steered Sasaki out of the right direction. His little mouse stayed out of the way for the most part, but sometimes she would stick her nose where it didn't belong. He cringed at a memory that rudely barged into his thoughts at that.

"Ah, be careful, this suit is a rental-" Sasaki had stammered as the door opened and they stumbled into the flat. Shuu was too busy kissing at his neck, trying to hold back from simply sinking his teeth into his throat, and being appalled at the fact that Sasaki didn't even own a _suit_ (he would have to have him fitted, perhaps he would start dressing himself better, then) to notice the change in Sasaki's expression. It had dropped into one of sheer horror and it wasn't brought to his attention until he heard the stammering speed up and felt Sasaki push him away gently.

"Oh, I, uh, I didn't know you were, I didn't know you had a-"

Shuu looked up and followed his line of sight to Chie on the couch, sorting photos into folders on the coffee table.

"Non, non," Shuu spit out, rapid fire, "she is not my- this is Hori Chie, my roommate, of no relation. Chie is twenty-two."

Sasaki tried to keep his sigh of relief quiet. "Twenty-two," he echoed.

"Dermatologists hate me," Chie piped up, but not sparing the couple so much as a glance from her work.

"And Miss Chie was supposed to be out this evening," Shuu said through teeth grit into a smile.

"Yeah, I'm going out. But when you say 'night', I think you mean, like, two in the morning," Chie replied, finally looking up at them. Her expression and tone were playful, until her eyes fell on Sasaki. She went straight-faced. "I thought you stopped hanging around that guy."

Shuu furrowed his brows. So the resemblance wasn't only apparent to him; he hadn't been imagining it. Un coup du sort.

"Non, Chie, this is Sasaki Haise-kun," Shuu corrected for her, not wanting her to reference Kaneki any further both for the likelihood Sasaki would find it fishy and for his own sake. "From the CCG," he further stressed, so that she would catch on to not refer to his ghoul status.

Chie's eyes narrowed and she snorted, "You're an idiot. Just don't forget about me this time."

Without any ado, she scooped up her work at the coffee table and shoved it into a bag. His pet walked past them through the door without so much as a goodbye.

After that they were both too uncomfortable to continue with the plans they had had for the evening, and ended up simply watching a movie.

"Did you forget to put them on?" he asked, noting the difference of Sasaki's face. He liked it, Sasaki without glasses, it made him look more like Kaneki. Kaneki had never worn glasses, but it was a _dolce_ image. He'd keep that in mind once Sasaki put them on, to cherish it.

"Oh, I only need them to read, really," Sasaki explained. "My eyes are getting better, so..."

"Your eyes are stunning, _mon petit_," he said, distracted. He stroked his fingers through white bangs and looked into them, grey reflecting blues from the screen. The eyes probably broke up the picture of Kaneki, but Shuu had never been able to get this close to him and really _look_. For Kaneki, the expressions his eyes told were always clear to see from a distance. And whenever Shuu would try to get too close that expression would turn sour or threatening and he backed off for fear of a kagune through his gut.  
>Sasaki smiled a small smile and his eyes flitted away from Shuu's. Embarrassment showed on his face. He turned his head back to the screen, but adjusted himself to lean into Shuu more.<p>

Shuu cupped his cheek and turned his face back.

"The pattern in them is _hypnotique_. It's almost as if...there are stitches?"

Sasaki's face seemed to freeze up. "Ah, yeah, uh...there actually are."

Shuu inhaled sharply.

An urge overtook him, he leaned in closer and onto Sasaki and took his face into his hands.

He had to fight the impulse to press his lips to his eyelids and draw his tongue across the grey, wondering if the texture of his eye would have been affected at all. No, not on the surface, he told himself. It wouldn't affect the texture of the surface. Licking his eye wouldn't be worth it-

His fingers trailed softly down Sasaki's face, Sasaki closing his eyelids and allowing them to be touched.

Licking his eye wouldn't be worth it because to truly experience the _sui generis_ texture he'd have to sink his fingers in and pluck it from its socket. Let it sit on his tongue to experience the variation in what was usually creamy.

He swallowed back the drool pooling in his mouth.

The prospect was so so very tempting, but he settled for planting soft kisses on his eyelids.

Maybe he would have just a taste, while Sasaki was sleeping. Just to see.

Sasaki sank down against the arm of the couch and Shuu's body followed, practically draping over him.

Sasaki let out a little hum. "It's scary to think about, isn't it? A needle in your eye."

Kaneki had once mentioned something like that, he recalled. So many little things would set him off.

They'd been sorting through files, somehow the topic had come up, Shuu couldn't really recall how.

"RC suppressants are injected into the eye, when the pills aren't...an option," Kaneki had mentioned, relevant to the papers Shuu was combing through.

"Where did you hear that, Kaneki-kun?" Shuu had responded, and he supposed it must have sounded quizzical. As if he was questioning whether Kaneki was sure in what he said, or if he was repeating some ghoul version of an old wive's tale.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Shuu turned to look at Kaneki, and the quiet air was shaken by a cruel laughter that bubbled out of Kaneki's throat. He opened his mouth to ask, but decided it best not to.

Kaneki looked him dead in the eye and Shuu was taken aback by the bright red he was met with. That deep colors of his single kakugan were usually a tell-tale warning for whoever met with its gaze. Shuu always found the sight breathtaking… mouthwatering.

He was taken just as unawares when Kaneki's hand shot out and gripped his jaw. Black nails dug into Shuu's skin, drawing blood and leaving bruises. A couple of Kaneki's fingers pushed past his closed lips and into his mouth. That would have been a welcome advance had they not been shoving against his teeth, pushing several back and out of their sockets.

"Hm, do you know how deep a needle can go into your eye?" Kaneki pondered aloud, his tone uneven. His other hand rose to Shuu's face, pulling down the skin just above Shuu's cheekbone, opening his eye wide. His next words came as a hoarse whisper, "Don't struggle or you'll see."

Shuu let out a whimper of Kaneki's name and Kaneki blinked slowly a few times.

Kaneki hastily retracted his hand and apologized before excusing himself from the room. Shuu just spat the teeth out into his hand- his worry at that moment was ensuring they wouldn't grow back in crooked.

In hindsight, he probably should have followed Kaneki and made sure he was okay.

But Sasaki wrapped his arms around Shuu and he forced himself to move from the thought, there was no changing how much he had messed up with Kaneki.

"Stuff of nightmares," Sasaki muttered. He looked away, seemingly embarrassed.

Shuu wondered if that was true. Sasaki didn't typically sleep well; he'd often wake Shuu up as well. He'd always apologize profusely afterward, but Shuu found himself reminded of Kaneki and couldn't bring himself to mind even when it was four in the morning and he'd been smacked in the face. Shuu hadn't often been under the same roof as Kaneki during the night, but the few times he had he hadn't been able to sleep a wink. He wondered how the others who lived with Kaneki had done it; Kaneki's nightmares were loud and violent, walking into his room in the morning would make him wonder if the place had been robbed. Sasaki wasn't as extreme as Kaneki had been. His were mostly contained into shivers and cold sweats. It was somewhat pathetic, like a puppy.

"Hm, yes, you spend enough time in my bed that I would know about that, _mon cher_."

Sasaki let out an annoyed groan and buried his face into his hands.

Sasaki certainly did spend a lot of time in Shuu's home. If, before, he had spent time with his coworkers after work then they may wonder where Sasaki had been wandering off to. It probably wasn't a suspicious thing, for someone to be forgoing spending time with friends in favor of a new significant other. But anything that could arouse any suspicion at all was of importance to Shuu. It was dangerous enough having one dove flitting about. Shuu enjoyed not being a briefcase, after all.

"I'm not keeping you from your friends, am I, Sasaki-kun?"

Sasaki fidgeted under him and stayed quiet.

"Coworkers?" ...that was the important part, "Or anyone?

"I'm not particularly close with anyone at work," Sasaki mumbled, reluctance audible in his tone, "I mean, I'm new to the Commission, so…"

"What did you do after work before we met?"

Sasaki rubbed at his chin. "Well, mostly I just read…"

Shuu hummed and finally went through with Sasaki's request for his glasses. Without any more words, they shifted around into a more comfortable position on the couch, basic spooning, and returned to the movie. Sasaki let out a soft breath, a habit he had when the dialogue was something he particularly liked. Shuu would always lean in and whisper sweet nothings into his ear when he sighed and Sasaki's grip on his hand would tighten and he'd curl in on himself and it was overwhelmingly _dolce_.

This time, however, when the words left Shuu's lips Sasaki's little sigh led into a much larger one and he rolled over in the small space to face Shuu.

"Actually, I, uh, have a confession," Sasaki admitted, looking Shuu dead in the eye. His expression of resolve wavered and he dropped his gaze down.

Shuu's stomach rolled and a needle of worry pierced into his chest. Feelings and thoughts flitted through his mind at a searing pace and his pulse quickened so that his chest had a tangible physical ache and every time it did that his thoughts would turn to _Kaneki_. What if this "Sasaki Haise" had been pretending not to know him, what if this Sasaki Haise was only pretending to be a dove and was truly one of a feather with him, what if this Sasaki Haise was truly Kaneki Ken?

The hopeful thoughts left him as quickly as they had come, because his mind settled on the possibility, _what if Sasaki Haise knows what he is and was only biding his time before skewering him._

"I kind of have amnesia."

Ah. Well. That was not the admittance Shuu was expecting, though he didn't really know what he had been expecting. This news... he didn't know what to make of it. He didn't care much for Sasaki as an individual, only cared for the parts of him that he was able to equate to Kaneki. It was obviously a very big deal to Sasaki, though, so he figured he should at least try to seem supportive.

Sasaki let out a short, dry laugh, "I guess you could say I'm an amnHaiseac?"

"Oh, mon cher," Shuu hummed and smoothed his thumb over Sasaki's in their entwined hands, "that must be so hard."

He curled in and kissed him, a motion that was reciprocated with gusto. Their fingers unlocked from one another and Shuu pulled Sasaki to lay on top of him, Sasaki deepening the kiss and sighing happily through his nose. They kissed for what felt like a long time before Shuu broke the kiss and peppered a few kisses over Sasaki's cheeks and eyelids.

"I'm not stealing you away from a precious beau of yours, am I, Sasaki-kun?" he asked, putting on a playful tone. The situation felt unnecessarily heavy, and he was certain it wasn't due to the weight of Sasaki on his chest.

Sasaki, however, didn't respond with the same mirth the question had held. "No, no one close to me visited me in the hospital. Just...lawyers, people from the CCG. I don't remember anything from before then."

Strange.

Shuu hummed, cuing him to continue.

"No one had much to say about me before, it's kind of really disconcerting…" Sasaki scratched at his neck, visibly uncomfortable. "Maybe I was a shut-in or something, but I don't think I could have been that kind of person…"

He sighed.

"I guess if I didn't get my job at the CCG, I could have been? I don't know what they saw in me...they had me take some written tests and things and then offered to pay my medical bills if I joined."

That was also strange. Shuu didn't know much about the CCG's hiring practices, but he assumed they were as corrupt as everything else about the damned organization. He suspected vaguely that Sasaki didn't really have an option in the matter of joining, that he was only given the illusion of a choice.

Shuu had the briefest of seconds in which he thought to offer to pay for Sasaki's medical expenses, to see if that would dissuade him from working for the CCG any longer, but caught himself- that would be incredibly strange to offer, considering they had only been together for a matter of months. Sasaki might feel trapped if he accepted (he _was_ trapped, but the point was for Shuu not to let him notice the fact) or otherwise would flat out refuse the offer. He didn't want Sasaki picking up on his strong disapproval of his work at the CCG either, that would be beyond suspicious. Sure, there were some humans that believed ghouls were a myth and the CCG was a tax scam, but Sasaki wasn't likely to believe Shuu was one of them.

"They actually had me start working while I was in the hospital, doing some paperwork and things. Actually...it was more than I'm doing right now, I think, isn't that ironic? Working so hard while in the hospital...I'm kind of just this one investigator's gopher now," Sasaki admitted, "but I help with paperwork sometimes- ahh, I'm just an intern, really."  
>Oh, he was going to open up about what he did at the CCG. Good, that was information Shuu needed, it would let him know what level of caution to have. He reached up and stroked his fingers through Sasaki's hair, playing with the black roots.<br>Sasaki continued. "He's a special class, though, and once my doctor clears me for physical activity he'll be overseeing my training himself. To be a full-fledged investigator, that is."

That wasn't good. No, that didn't fit into Shuu's daydream- Sasaki coming to his flat, hanging up that white dove coat of his, setting down the silver briefcase that was nothing but a corpse within, a sign of what would happen should Shuu slip up. He didn't like that. Not at all. He felt anger spread throughout him and into the veins of his wrist and for a moment his hands clenched into Sasaki's hair, pulling, but Sasaki didn't seem to notice and for that Shuu was glad.

He thought it somewhat funny, though, an investigator who had been sleeping with a ghoul for months.

"What were you doing before, _minou_? Certainly something more interesting than being a gopher, _non_?"

"Oh, well, I did some stuff with the files pinpointing what ghouls were eradicated during the purge of the 20th ward last fall. Mostly lower ranked ghouls; the higher ranked ones don't usually disappear without a fight. But some...like, the S-ranked Gourmet, you've probably heard of him," Sasaki didn't seem to notice the small laugh Shuu had to conceal, "The Gourmet was declared 'inactive, possibly dead'. He probably died earlier than that, though, since there haven't been any incidents that showed his signs for over a year," Sasaki smiled a little, "so you can rest a little easier, I guess?"

He certainly would, knowing that the CCG was off of his tail. But he knew that wasn't what Sasaki had meant.

Wait, but if Sasaki had been involved in that sort of cleanup- Shuu swallowed.

"What about Centipede?"

He wanted closure. He knew it would hurt.

"'Centipede'?" Sasaki repeated, and Shuu braced himself- "There's no ghoul named 'Centipede'. You might be thinking of a book or something."

Shuu furrowed his brows and hummed. "I must be."

That was...too strange. He was certain that "Centipede" was the name the CCG had Kaneki under; that was what everyone had called him in the ghoul community as well. Oh, but perhaps since he wasn't...since his situation was what it was, such a rare case, his file was classified and a new worker like Sasaki wouldn't have clearance to read it. But, the CCG may have even deleted his file altogether to make it seem as though Kaneki Ken had never existed, that he as a bridge between human and ghoul was something the CCG never wanted to see light.

"Honestly- I think...I think my accident may have had something to do with the sweep of the 20th ward. It's a kind of odd suspicion, but…" Sasaki knitted his face into one of contemplation. "Don't tell anyone."

"Of course," Shuu said, nodding. "So it was an accident? That caused this?"

"Yeah, I don't know what happened, though," Sasaki admitted, his gaze drifting away. "I had some minor brain damage…so it was physical trauma that caused the amnesia..."

"_Terribile_," Shuu shook his head, "were you hurt elsewhere?"

"Well, my eyes…you knew about that…" Sasaki shifted on him and sat up, straddling Shuu's hips. He lifted up the bottom of his shirt, tugging up just the corner to show his stomach up to his navel. "You've probably seen this before, too…" He took Shuu's hand and brought it to his stomach to trace a line on his side.

He had seen it, but not paid it much mind. There, on the softening muscles of his stomach, was a surgical scar in the same place Kaneki Ken had the one mark upon his skin. Shuu let out a stifled gasp as his fingers traced it. It looked old, far too healed to be related to the recent accident Sasaki had been involved in.

He looked from the scar up to Sasaki's face and saw nothing but Kaneki.

Shuu sat up and smashed their mouths together, kissing him frantically because he was once again caught in the thoughts that it was Kaneki and those thoughts were growing weaker and weaker and he needed to cherish them. He pushed Sasaki back onto the arm of the couch and kissed down his neck, Sasaki letting out a surprised giggle and burying his fingers into the back of Shuu's shirt and tilting his chin up to allow Shuu's kisses. Shuu traced the scar with his fingers under Sasaki's shirt, committing the shape and texture of it to memory and comparing it to the memory of Kaneki's and not being able to find any difference. He sighed against Sasaki's neck at the thought, and dropped down to press his lips to the scar. Sasaki laughed and threaded fingers into his hair as he drew his tongue across the mark, enjoying the texture of the raised skin, his hands fumbling at Sasaki's belt.

"It's just my stomach, you've seen it before…" Sasaki said, a soft laugh following his words, "That kind of tickles…"

Shuu pressed a couple of kisses to the unmarked skin of his stomach, trying to calm the breathing he hadn't realized had grown heavy, before sitting up and placing a soft kiss on Sasaki's lips. "My apologies for getting so worked up. You're simply so…_delicieux, l'amour de ma vie_."

"I mean, you didn't have to stop-" Sasaki stuttered out, but Shuu kissed him again and he quieted down.

"Was there anything else, _mon cher_? Any other injuries?"

"Ah, yeah- you might not have seen…"

Sasaki pulled his shirt over his head, darting his eyes away as if he was shy and it wasn't anything Shuu had already seen before (though, that didn't stop Shuu from raking his eyes over the bare skin of his chest). He stood up off of Shuu's lap and turned around, facing the television.

"On my back."

Shuu looked over his shoulders, silently admiring the muscles there. Sasaki looked as though he had once been muscular, perhaps as much as Kaneki, but his time in recovery had caused most of them to soften. His eyes trailed down Sasaki's back and caught at the small of his back- where the smooth skin was stopped by a thin line. Right where Kaneki's kakuhou would have been. It wasn't anywhere that would need that sort surgery, Shuu didn't think, not from his admittedly thorough knowledge of human anatomy. It seemed new, newer than the scar on his stomach by far.

Shuu reached out and ghosted his fingers over the mark. Sasaki shuddered slightly.

Sasaki let out a hum and a hoarse, uncomfortable laugh. "I thought...I thought you might think something like 'ahh, this guy has too many problems for me', so I'm really glad that you…" he trailed off.

Shuu stood and wrapped his arms around Sasaki from behind, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. "Of course not."

Sasaki shuddered and let out a sniffle, and Shuu thought he was starting to cry.

"We...we kind of forgot about the movie. I think I just got spoiled, too…" Sasaki said, masking the waver in his voice, letting out another of those uncertain laughs.

"Mm, then let's go to bed, Kaneki-kun."

Shuu's breath caught. He'd called him- _désastreux_.

"That sounds nice," Sasaki replied, sounding contented.

"Oh, I called you…"

"Huh? You call me that all the time…"

Shuu was very confused- but also disconcerted that he had been calling Sasaki by Kaneki's name without realizing.

"Isn't it some French pun made with my name?" he scratched at his chin, "I thought you were warming up to my jokes, that you were maybe…_Tsukiyadopting_ them…"

Shuu cringed a little on the inside, but let out a soft laugh instead. "Yes, exactly."

Sasaki let out a gentle laugh, took his hand, and they walked to the bedroom.

They kissed and fell to the bed and their bodies became a tangle of limbs, but their bodies fit so well together there was no way it could be anything so haphazard as a _tangle_ and their sighs and shaky breaths only complemented the way they moved together.

Shuu let his fingers trace over the scar on his stomach and he came with a whisper of Kaneki's name on his lips and drifted off with Kaneki the only thing occupying his thoughts.


End file.
